5 Things you should consider before drinking tequila.

8 11 2007

tequila.jpg

Another pointless article, written in english for my own amusement.

 

 

When i thought about writing this article about Tequila, i knew i’d had to add statistics to proove my point and to shock the reader (that’s you moron). To start off, i interviewed the whole Daily Garbage team. Yes, every single guy of the crew was asked a few questions about their experience with this specific liquor, including myself. When i saw the results, i was amazed. 100% of the sample claimed that they have had blackouts before with Tequila (a blackout is pretty much not being able to remember anything that happened last night). 100 fucking percent. Can you believe that? neither could i.
(people included in the sample: 2).

 

I’d continue to talk about my investigation, but it is boring as hell, so off to the warnings.

 

 

5- Tequila wont make you look any sexier.

 

In fact, it makes you look like a total fuckface. After a few shots of Tequila, both your brain and your body are totally screwed. At this point, you feel like you can succesfully hit on any of the girls around in the club, assuming that they would totally want to suck your now supersized dick. Once you get to the bathroom, things get worse. It only takes one look at the mirror to fill the whole place with your own confidence, and all those thoughts about being the sexiest man in earth come true. IF YOU EVER feel this way, take a picture of yourself. Once you wake up check out the picture, see how wasted you were, and how awful you looked. I’d recommend you leaving it in your wallet, for further reference. Tequila: fucking yourself up since 1608.

 

4- You do not become twice as “cool” when drunk with Tequila.

 

Again, this is something most drunktards (People that are drunk on tequila will be referred to as drunktards) think. Once they enter what i like to call the “I-am-cool-as-a-motherfucker” stage, theres no going back. Remember that guy that wanted to beat the shit out of you? He STILL wants to do so. The fact you came up
to him and asked what’s up with an ear to ear smile, doesnt mean you guys are best friends now. It works the same way with the jokes. When people laugh, they arent laughing at the joke you rambled. They are laughing at the fact YOU are laughing at the joke they didnt understand for shit. Before asking everyone to shut up so you can say the joke, think about this first: Does it makes you laugh like crazy when you think of it? It’s not funny then. Do you forgot a part of the joke, but feel like you will remember it once you start going off? It wont happen, and it will only make you look like an asshat. By experience, i’d recommend not to use jokes at all when drunk.

 

 

3- After you are done puking at the restroom, there’s still a tab to pay.

 

I could possibly fill out a 10 word document written on Arial 2 on this one. For some weird reason drunktards think they are cool enough to let others pay their bill. Once they realize they drank 100 bucks worth of Tequila, they are already on the denial stage. It pretty much goes like this:

 

Friend: Hey mate, we are leaving, it’s 40 bucks for what you had.
Drunktard: Leaiving? but whaaay, that hot chick ooaver there is toootally into meeee.
Friend: Dude, that’s a poster of Marilyn Manson.
Drunktard: Huuh, i coulddaa have swwuore it was a pleeymayyte.
Friend: Uhh whatever, pay up so we can get the hell out.
Drunktard: Hoaw much did iu say it was?
Friend: 40, plus whatever you want to tip.
Drunktard: 40? butt I dideeent even get drunk, ill give you a 20 but you will have to blowww mee.
Friend: Fuck man, we really have to go, just pay up so we can leave.
Drunktard: Dooont wooarry, the owuner is my brothaa, he will paey for everaything.
Friend: Fuck it, you will owe me a good one for this shit. Lets get out before you puke on the table again
Drunktard: Duude, takee me home i doont feel vvuery well, i think they put someeethiang on my drinks.
Friend: …

 

Friendly advice: If you feel like someone is about to become a drunktard, make sure the bill is already sorted out.

 

2- IF you dont have any trustworthy friends, dont drink Tequila at all.

 

Whenever you go out on a Tequila night, make sure you have at least 1 guy you could trust. Once your on drunktard face, theres a SHITLOAD of crap that can happen, and it will most likely suck. If you are falling asleep, you will need someone to carry you out. The usual “I’ll have another one to wake myself up” idea, never worked for anyone, and eventually your going to end up in a deep sleep. A good friend will carry you home, but a not-so-good friend will paint your face with a lipstick, take pictures of yourself, leave you at the bar and put the bill on you. Make sure you know who you are hanging out before getting drunk.

 

1- Tequila wont give you super endless strenght.

 

Last, and most important advice: you are NOT capable of fighting. This is possibly the main reason barfights happen every single night. Some idiot gets extremely drunk, and decides to go around pushing guys that double his weight. What happens when he pisses a guy that wont take shit from anyone off? He gets beaten up. Of course, his main thought most likely was: “I’ll beat him and his 9 friends, then i’ll go take their ladies home so we can have a fuckfest”. But yeah..it never works out that way. If your friend gets to the so common “raging-drunktard”, give him 2 or 3 Tequila shots, that way this stage will end sooner than you think.

 

And there they are, 5 friendly notes that will come in handy if you decide to get wasted on Tequila. For the record, i have gone through all of them at least once, and believe me, they are not nice.

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9 responses

8 11 2007
George W. Bush

jajaja no se le callo el saco a alguien con un puntillo por ahi?

9 11 2007
kokino

jaja es taaaaaaaan cierto

7 09 2008
Bnetfdgsjieoc

brockton ma pop warner reta setzer dance stephen hunter audio books

10 01 2010
nick

WORD NIGGA

5 08 2011
Matty Mantel

dude this is f*cking right on the money! I still can’t believe last weekend’s tequila night… f*ck me sideways! it was the wildest sh!t ever!

7 08 2011
Pauley B

I was with Matty Mantel! We both had to figure out what the heck happened! Where’s my phone?!?!?!

15 03 2013
yes

The only reason you are writing this, is because you’re a pissed of teenager who drunk tequila and ended up getting fucked by a dude.

20 08 2013
Jim

Why don’t you hold off posting in English until after you’ve actually learned English. Your writing is ridiculous and has so many errors it’s nearly incomprehensible.

26 09 2013
fuzfurbank

First off, your obviously drinking really shitty tequila, that’s a bad move
My friend. Also to that guy who said bad things about your English; don’t be an asshole man. I have a feeling his English is about a million times better than your Spanish you lazy ads
Freak. Lastly, I have a problem getting drunk off tequila, I had a friend over and we polished off a 750 ml of tequila plus a a little more. I’m not saying I was sober as a priest on Sunday morning; but I was no where nearly as drunk as I thought I would be. This is my super power. Who needs the power of flight when you can drink tequila like a champ and not get stark ravingly pukingly drink? Eat that superman!

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